Baseball Jokes that Almost Killed Us

What can rival the joy of sitting back and relaxing while cracking jokes from America’s favorite pastime entertainment?  Over the years, we have seen it all: conversation jokes, one-liners, knock- knock jokes, etc. They are usually a surefire tactic to cause an eruption of laughter in social situations. So, here is something special for you: a compilation of carefully selected, killer jokes that deserve to be retold over and over again.

Conversation jokes

These baseball jokes you can drop in conversation with your friends. It goes without saying they should know at least a thing or two about baseball. Some of the following, though, qualify as baseball jokes for kids.

1.

Dan: How long did the baseball player spend in the library?

Sarah: I’m stumped.

Dan: Five minutes. It was a rather short stop.

2.

James: What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?

Robert: I have no idea.

James: Well, a fly swatter.

3.

John: Did you know baseball is the first sport to be mentioned in the Bible?

William: Can’t say I do.

John: Yes, in Genesis it says, “In the big inning!”

4.

Mathew: Why are so many umpires fat?

David: No clue really.

Mathew: They always swipe clean their plate!

6.

Charles: What’s a baseball player’s least favorite Star Wars movie?

Daniel: I have no idea.

Charles: The Umpire Strikes Back.

7.

Nathan: Why is baseball stadium the coolest place to be?

Joel: Why?

Nathan: Because it’s full of fans.

8.

Mark: What has 18 legs and catches flies?

Steven: Enlighten me.

Mark: A baseball team!

9.

Andrew: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father?

George: What?

Andrew: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop.

10.

Kevin: A man leaves home, makes a turn left, makes another left, then another left turn and eventually he goes home again. When he gets there, two men wearing masks are waiting for him. Who can they be?

Brian: I haven’t got the faintest idea.

Kevin: The catcher and the umpire.

11.

Brian: Why do baseball games take place at night?

Timothy: That’s a good question. Why?

Brian: Because bats are nocturnal animals dummy!

12.

Jacob: What’s the difference between my favorite stadium’s hot dog and your favorite stadium’s hot dog?

Gerry: I guess it is the taste?

Jacob: No! You can buy ours in October.

13.

Barbara: What do you get when you cross a tree with a Hall of Fame baseball player?

Angelina: Probably a baseball bat?

Barbara: Not really— Babe Root.

14.

Jonathan: What position is Dracula on the baseball team?

Larry: The batter maybe?

Jonathan: That’s right! He’s the bat boy!

15.

Scott: Did you hear the joke about the fast pitch?

Justin: I did not.

Scott: Oh, nevermind mate. You just missed it.

Behold, one-liners

Just like in Hollywood blockbusters, some great and funny baseball jokes take the form of one-liners. These bad boys need no introduction:

• Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical. 
• A group of kids was playing in a farm field, and one of them hit a chicken with a baseball and then proceeded to yell, “Fowl ball!”
• Bob led his team in steals until he got arrested for burglary. 
• I used to collect bats, but then they managed to break free and flew away.
• A hot dog at a baseball game beats prime rib at the Ritz.
• Thou shalt not steal except in baseball.
• Why do we always sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” when we’re already there?
• Why do we call it the World Series when only teams from North America and Canada are playing?
• When you start a game, they don’t say “Work ball!” They say “Play ball!”
• They don’t think it be like it is…but it do.

Story jokes

Finally, among the best baseball jokes, there are also those that take a bit more time and skill to tell. But, they are absolutely worth it!

• Fire Escape

A man is trapped in a house without windows, doors, or any other form of exit. The house is burning fast and has started to collapse, and the man has only a baseball and a bat around. How does he pull off an escape? He swings at the air three times because in baseball it is one, two, three strikes and you’re out at the good ole ball game!

• No-Hitter

A rather cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with five straight walks. Unsurprisingly, the manager immediately took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled in protest, “That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!”

• Geography Class

One morning in elementary school, the students were studying geography, and the teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?” Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!” The teacher replies, “Very good, Billy, now can anyone tell me where Detroit is?” Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!” The teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, “Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh, I know!” The teacher says, “OK, Tommy, where is Kansas City?” “Last place.”

• Talking Dog

Michael didn’t believe that Paul’s dog could talk. So Paul asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked simply. However, Michael wasn’t convinced. So Paul asked the dog how sandpaper feels.“Rough.” He still wasn’t convinced. “O.K, then who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Paul asked the dog. “Ruth.” With that, Michael walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Paul and asked: Was it Hank Aaron?”

Bring the house down

There goes your source of go-to baseball jokes. Pull that ace from your sleeve, but try not to telegraph it from a mile away or force it. Recognize when the moment is right and assess whether the audience is suitable. All the other rules of telling a good joke delivery apply, whether you want to impress with baseball one-liners or a longer, story format. Go ahead, hit a humor homerun with these jokes or come up with your own original ones.